Psalm 139 v 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
Its Christmas and I am so excited as I am having what was termed in my family as a “clothes” Christmas. This meant that instead of toys and games I was getting clothes and not just any clothes but FASHION clothing!! Up to this stage of my life I just put on what my mum brought for me wore my hair how she styled it and generally lived my life without any further thought of how I looked, if something didn’t fit it just meant I had grown and that was moving on up to the next size. But that year I had discovered fashion and so my mum wanting to give me what I wanted offered me a clothes Christmas and I happily accepted.
There was a certain skirt that everyone had today it would be termed a viral skirt and that was top of my list for Christmas. the day rolled around and lo and behold there was the skirt to say I was excited was an understatement, I ran upstairs with a new outfit to get ready for church full of joy and anticipation of how I was going to look and disaster stuck the skirt didn’t fit.!!! I was beside myself I couldn’t understand it then it dawned on me I was FAT. that concept had never occurred to me before up until that morning.
The fact of the matter was that I wasn’t fat it was just my new perception of myself. The skirt came from a high fashion shop whose sizing was way off, but that wasn’t the problem the problem was I was set up by the enemy a perfect set up a trap laid out by him time and time again for countless generations of women both before and after me. A tried and true trap of low self esteem.
In 1 Peter 5 v 8 it says Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.
The trouble is I didn’t see this as the enemy because if I did I would of been able to fight this and conqueror it maybe not on that Christmas day but as time went on and I became more mature in my walk with Jesus I could of figured it out but I didn’t I saw it as a fault in me something I did wrong the way I looked was not good and as time went on I started to really not like myself. And to make sure that was really cemented in my mind comparisons were made by adults in my life between my self and my sister so by the age of sixteen I was well and truly in the mindset of fat and ugly a great trait to carry into my adult years.
Throughout the next stage of my life I dieted lost weight put weight back on and generally tried very hard to love myself, as I travelled along my bad mindset at times the enemy made sure it was validated by people in my life with throwaway remarks which cut like a knife reminding me who I really was. I am not really sure when I stopped looking at myself in a mirror but I did and I would put together an outfit and imagine what out looked like and so I didn’t have to see reality and I caught sight of myself in a window for instance I was repulsed by what I saw at it didn’t match up at all. to try and get a better mindset I start to look out for ladies whom I thought could possibly be bigger that me and I would ask the people in my life closest to me the question “Do I look like her??” I was desperate to know how I looked without really looking at me. This was a practice that wore out the people around me. What a way to live a life. But it worked for me after a fashion so with lots of masking I became a not too bad version of me and trudged on. Then in 2023 I started an online bible school with a ministry called Jesus Image and my life and mindset, stated to be revolutionised. A transformation started lets look a t the first verse I shared again
Psalm 139 v 14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvellous—how well I know it.
YES, I got it I was made in the image of Jesu that is how I looked and now I could start my transformation in Jesus
2 Corinthians 3 v 11 So if the old way, which has been replaced, was glorious, how much more glorious is the new, which remains forever!
The 31 Diaries 